Dear Christina Aguilera,

What happened to your hair? Your hair makes Marilyn Monroe seem like a brunette. If you are quiet for a second you can hear it crying out “Help me, help me…I’m melting.” Your hair needs more than conditioner, it needs hair rehab. Put away your irons, fire your colorist. Drastic measures need to happen to save this Donatella-esqe mess. I like to refer to your color as black light blonde, because it definitely would. I think you are in your mid 20’s, but you look like you are pushing 40. Your bangs are cut so wide that you look like E.T.’s sister. A common mistake stylists make is taking too wide of a section and cutting heavy bangs. You need to donate half those bangs to someone who needs them more. I am secretly hoping your hair is a wig. Is it? Now I must commend you for almost outdoing your “Dirty” braid locks. I recommend you take a page out of Reese Witherspoon’s hairstyle book and do a fresh, sexy, short choppy bob. Considering your height, a chin length would truly elongate your body and soften your appearance. As for the color, tone it down a bit and add some warmth. It is December for God’s sake! So when you are finished with all of the Hollywood stylists, take a drive 30 minutes Northwest to beautiful Simi Valley and I will take the eeek factor away from your hair. -Brig

P.S. Paris Hilton is thrilled to see you rockin her new “Paris” extensions…

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